Do You Accept Your Partner?
A couple of weeks ago I created Familial Ramblings’ Twitter page and if you’ve ever had a Twitter account, you’ll know that one of the first steps is to find people to follow. There is a large variety of people that you can follow ranging from close friends to celebrities to magazines you read and more. I decided to follow some friends from my personal Twitter account along with fellow bloggers to see what they were up to. I also decided I wanted to follow others who were interested in the many aspects of families and relationships in order for me to be able to gain some new ideas of what I could potentially write about. I ended up following one Barbara J. Peters, a licensed Relationship Counselor and author whom I thought may be helpful in getting some ideas about possible future posts on relationships.
I must have followed the right person because maybe a day after I had followed Mrs. Peters, she had sent me a chapter from her book He Said, She Said, I Said.
I was thrilled! I’m always looking for new material to read to help me, not only, with writing my blog, but also with my journey to becoming a counselor. Due to being bogged down with other necessary readings for my classes, I was unable to read the chapter until today. After reading it, I decided that I wanted to share my opinion on the book with you, my readers. Now, do remember I’ve only read one chapter out of this book, so I can only make statements pertaining to said chapter; though, I do hope to read the rest of the book sometime soon and then will be able to write a more in-depth review.
The chapter that I was able to read was called Acceptance, which opens with lyrics from the song Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel. I must admit that when I first began reading the chapter, the style took me a bit off-guard because there was no introduction explaining exactly what the chapter would be about like many of the other books I’ve read since starting on my journey to become a counselor. Instead it jumped right into telling the audience what “She Said” followed by what “I Said”—‘I’ being Barbara Peters’ perspective and voice. I have to wonder if the description of how the book was to be laid out and a detailed description of what each chapter was to be on were in the introduction of the first chapter, but that isn’t something that I will be able to find out until I purchase the book. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it’s a bad way to start the chapter, not in the slightest; it’s actually what caught my attention because it was different from other books I have read. It does not take you long to understand where she is going with this chapter especially because it’s clearly stated in the title: Acceptance.
I felt the chapter was centered on the key concept that, “In order to have a successful relationship, couples must accept each other for who and what they are” (Peters, 109). I feel as if this is an important aspect of being in a relationship because from what I’ve seen couples are often so focused on changing one another that they forget to enjoy one another’s company. For example, the first “She Said” is from a woman that states, “I want everything to be equally shared…He lives here too, why do I have to be in charge of our entire domestic world?” (Peters, 107). Let me tell you, I know exactly how this woman feels because I often find myself annoyed with my husband for not doing something unless I ask him to do it (Love you hubby!), which becomes frustrating very quickly, but Peters was able to shine a different perspective on the situation.
Peters points out, “The differences between men and women are so numerous that author John Gray [the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus] has written a whole series of books on the subject” (107). I think this is something that most people know about, but don’t think about, let alone accept it. She goes on to say, “…these differences as long as the world exists, they aren’t going to change just because we don’t like them” (107). How true is that? I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to change some of my husband’s behaviors and how it never works out. There are just some things that cannot and will not change no matter how much effort you put into it; it’s just the way the person is. One thing I’ve learned from this chapter is that instead of wasting all of that energy to try to change someone, you should just accept them for who they are. I mean, look at it this way: why did you fall in love with your significant other in the first place? It wasn’t because they were exactly like you; it was because of who they were. So why are you trying to change them into something they’re not instead of enjoying who they are? “What you can do as a couple is to recognize the differences between the two of you and play to those strengths” (Peters, 108), in other words, use the differences that you and your partner have to get through different situations and to complete the tasks at hand.
I don’t want to give away too much that was said in this chapter because if you go out and buy the book you’ll have to skip the chapter because I’ve told you everything about it. So instead I’ll leave you some overall thoughts I had about the chapter. I found the chapter to be very insightful with a lot of great information that I hadn’t necessarily thought about previously. I found it interesting with how easily I could connect with what was being said because some of it I had experienced in my own relationship with my husband. I believe that the way Peters puts forth the information is very reader-friendly and it is something that not only people in the field can find useful, but also those who may just be searching for advice as to how to improve their relationships.
I am honored and thrilled to have gotten the opportunity to read the chapter and, as I said previously, I hope to be able to read the entire book along with her other book The Gift of a Lifetime, Building a Marriage That Lasts. From reading just one chapter, I know that this will be a book that I can use while in the field.
I want to thank Barbara J. Peters for sending me a copy of the chapter to read and learn from.
If you’d like to find out more about Barbara J. Peters and learn about purchasing her books, please visit her website at http://www.thegiftofalifetime.net/
References
Peters, B.J. 2011. He Said, She Said, I Said. Boutique of Quality Books Publishing Company.
Photo Credit: Barbara J. Peters
Posted on March 19, 2012 by Felicia
Great post as always. Only, I have to disagree with some of what that chapter apparently posits. The argument that you cannot change the other is very flawed: it relies on the notions of essentialism and individuality, effacing subjectivity entirely. In other words, it places too much power and agency into the person, paradoxically stripping the person of a different power, the power of effect, at the same time. In doing this, it fails to consider the unavoidable presence of influence. The wife, in asking her husband to do the dishes, whether he does them or not, is having an impact on the husband’s character, for example. That is a change. So the truth of the matter is that you cannot avoid changing the other, if only by proxy. In this case, the real question should not be “can I change him/her,” but “should I change him/her,” and furthermore, “in what way,” and finally, “can I even control how I do it at all?” So, when Peters claims that “In order to have a successful relationship, couples must accept each other for who and what they are” (109), she fails, at least in this statement, to recognize that who and what they are is very much dependent on their significant other (as well as of course an innumerable amount of other contextual forces).
It is because of this that when the wife says “I want everything to be equally shared…He lives here too, why do I have to be in charge of our entire domestic world?” (107), she is posing a legitimate question. Her concern will always already have effected the husband and changed him. This is in part why the division of responsibilities in relationships are often problematic. If she gives up and does not voice herself, she succumbs, and this itself molds the relationship in a particular manner; if she voices herself, she still might not succeed in shifting the responsibilities, but she will still shift the husband. (I would throw in some of Hegal’s master/slave dialectic but I doubt anyone would bother reading this if I start introducing numerous other authors). The best way to handle division of responsibilities is to consider context: what is the husband doing? Does he work all day? If so, why should he work all day and share in domestic chores? Unless the wife works outside the house too? Ect, ect. That’s only in a relationship of pure equality, in which there are very few. So the issue of whether one should seek to change one’s partner or not is really more complicated than a “yes/no” answer can determine. It all depends on context, and even then on degree of change, and lastly on degree of awareness. Here is one more example: take the spouse who is a drunkard. Not necessarily someone who abuses the other in the relationship, but certainly someone with a drinking problem. Considering the prospect of “no we should just accept the other,” this drunkard would never receive any help from their spouse. Instead, more than likely, their spouse would fall into denial of the problem, saying “oh he/she is just fine,” or would become an enabler. There are many relationships that go to hell in a hand basket just because of this.
Okay, moving one to my one other problem with the chapter as I know it from this post: The idea that men and women are different and will always be different despite what we do. She says “…these differences as long as the world exists, they aren’t going to change just because we don’t like them” (107). This is just wrong, wrong, wrong. As Butler would suggest, gender is a performance! It’s a sort of speech act, a facade breakable as much as it is creatable. The only fundamental difference between men and women (and some even debate this) is biology, but biology does not masculine or feminine make. Culture makes masculinity and femininity, male interest and female interest, manly looks and womanly looks. Culturally speaking, men and women are only as different as the cultural context they exist within has made them. We are from the same planet, we exist together in many of the same social spheres, and very, very often we enjoy the same things. So this attitude that you should just accept your husband because he is a man and men act like that, or that you should just accept your wife, ect. ect., is willingly ignorant and creates numerous problems. In certain social circles, for example, men are “expected” to cheat, and the women of those circles might very well accept it and forgive the man for simply “sowing his oats.” In other circles, women are expected to “obey” their husbands, and so men demand this since it is the womanly thing to do and by contrast they are only a man if they do demand women’s obedience. Do you see the trouble with playing into gender roles assigned by culture?
Men and women can very much be the same when made self-aware of their own standings in society. A man aware that being a man in his circle demands he treat women in a certain way, but also influenced by another source which tells him that is not something he wants to do, might construct a different form of identity which, to many, would seem feminine simply because it is not masculine. To say men and women are different relies too much on binary constructions, western thought.
Anyway, I think I am done. Overall I agree with the sentiment that men and women in relationships need to consider the other’s position as well as their own. And also that people should learn to enjoy one another more. But one more thing I take issue with here before I go: this seems to only consider heterosexual pairings.
Peace out!
Leave it to you to leave a comment that could, within itself, probably be a blog post. I think you bring up some excellent points that have really made me take another look at the chapter and really think about what was/is being said. I agree with you that it’s not necessarily true that you cannot change your partner, but I still think that it can be very difficult to do so nevertheless and will take time. You’re also right in saying that perhaps Peters isn’t asking the correct question or at least not the right follow-up questions.
You also bring up a very good point pertaining to men and women not being so different after all. There are a lot of factors that go into what makes femininity and masculinity. I think you certainly have a point that men and women are more similar than what they realize (and more so than what I realized until further thinking about it). I also 100% agree with you that there doesn’t seem to be consideration for homosexual pairings, at least in this chapter and there really should be, at least in my opinion.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they’ve been very insightful!
Excellent post! You’re so right, you need to accept your partner for who they are. You also have to understand that people do change and grow, as well. I loved the man I married 20 years ago, and I love the man I’m married to now — they’re both the same person, though there are differences. At the same time, some things about him have never changed and never will. I embrace it all!
Thanks so much, Janene, and thank you for leaving your comment! You have an excellent point there that people change and grow as time goes on. I know I’m certainly not the same person I was even a few years ago and neither is my husband, but we love each just the same. We accept what changes and what doesn’t change. I think as long as people accept one another their relationship will continue to grow and flourish.
Very interesting read, I’ll be reading more of it soon. “The differences between men and women are so numerous” this is particularly true and factual.
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Naiwen! ^^ I agree, that piece that you quoted is very true.