Love Doesn’t Hurt
Yesterday I was watching a Law and Order: SVU marathon—not much of a surprise because I do this quite often. One of the episodes, Crushed (season 10, episode 20), was about a girl who, while at school, fell down a flight of stairs after finding out that a sexual photo of herself had been texted to everyone at her school. At the hospital it is found that she has old bruises on her head and signs that some of her bones had been broken at one point, which indicates that she is being physically abused on almost a daily basis. What’s amazing is that this girl doesn’t want to tell the police who it is that has been hurting her even if it means that she will continuously be beaten and humiliated.
Victims will often protect their abusers especially if they’re a loved one, boyfriend or girlfriend. People often ask “why?” because they don’t understand how someone could remain in a relationship in which they’re abused. This is actually a common occurrence and there are many reasons for it happening. One primary reason that someone will stay with their abuser is because they think their abuser loves them and because they said “sorry” that they’ll never do it again.
Another reason for staying with an abuser is because they have nowhere else to go. They’ve relied on this abuser, may have children with this abuser and don’t know how they would survive without them. Often the victim’s abuser is also controlling them in a sense that they make it so their victim is financially dependent, such as in the movie Enough starring Jennifer Lopez where when she does try to get out, she has no money because her abusive husband has cut her off completely. Abusers are oftentimes also master manipulators that convince their victims that even if they tried to run away or get out of the relationships that no one would help them and that all they had was the person who’s abusing them. Or perhaps they’re simply afraid of what their abuser may do to them if they try to get out of the relationship or try to run away from it. The fact of the matter is there are many reasons why someone stays with their abuser, but there also many ways to get out.
Reach Out:
You may think that you’re alone in all of this, but you’re not. You’re not alone. Even if your abuser tries to cut you off from all of your family and friends, they will still be there for you. Get together with someone and tell them what’s going on. Even if you’re not ready to get out of the relationship at least you’ll know that you have people to fall back on, that are willing to help you get out when you’re ready. It’s better to have people know what’s going on so that they can help you.
Get Help:
If you feel as if you are in an immediate danger, make sure to call 9-1-1. They will help you to get out of the relationship and into a place where you (and your children, if you have them) can be safe. They will be able to get you a restraining order against your abuser and they will arrest them if you press charges against them for abusing you. Authorities can and will help you.
Talk to Someone:
Again, talking to friends, family and even co-workers about what’s going on is one way to make sure that you have assistance in handling the situation; however, sometimes you may not feel comfortable telling those closest to you. Another possibility is for you to go see a counselor. If you are being abused and you aren’t sure what to do a therapist will be able to help you to get the aid you need. They will also be able to help you to move past the abuse and help you cope with everything that has happened to you.
Safety Plan:
These are especially important if you have children because it could save their lives. If you need to get out fast, you need to have a safety plan in place. Make sure your friends and family know your plan in case you need a place to stay or need help to get out. You should have a bag packed and hidden where your abuser won’t find it. You should have money stored away in case your abuser tries to cut off your income. The main priority of the safety plan is to get yourself and your children somewhere safe.
The most important lesson is not to allow the abuse to go on. You are better than that and you deserve better than that. You are stronger than you think and you can overcome it. Get help and get out of the relationship as quickly as possible.
Stay safe readers!
Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Domestic Violence Website: http://www.thehotline.org/
Línea de Emergencia Nacional para Violencia Doméstica: 1-800-799-7233
Asian multilingual 24-hour crisis hotline: (408) 975-2739
Let’s Chat:
How would you help someone you know to get out of an abusive relationship?
Photo Credit: Katherine Evans
Posted on August 12, 2012 by Felicia
Rightly said- This issue is often neglected but we can never deny the fact that a lot of people are subjected to many forms of abuse in the hands of people who they actually trust. Seeking intervention and counselling would definitely put an end to this. Thanks!
Thank you for stopping by, I’m happy that you enjoyed this post. When I get into the field, I do hope that I’m able to work with people who have been or are in abusive relationships so that I may help them in handling the situation they may be in.
This is such as important article for people in abusive relationship. Love really doesn’t hurt.
A friend of mine used to be in an abusive relationship, and she stayed in it because of the kids and because she thought she couldn’t survive (financially) out of the relationship. Once she made the decision to leave, life just kind of rolled her along towards happiness. It took care of the details that held her back, and everything has worked out find. It’s just a matter of becoming aware that you deserve better and then taking that first step out of the relationship.
Thank you for stopping by and sharing your story, Bellaisa! I’m glad to hear it worked out well for your friend and that she was able to get out of the relationship. That’s a very inspirational story and hopefully it encourages others to get out of their own abusive relationships.
This is a very important thing you have touched upon in your post. I have seen this happening many a times and it hurts seeing your loved ones suffer due to abusive relationships. But the thing is they find it almost impossible to come out of it due to emotional dependency. I have seen a friend who would continue just because the guy says sorry after his misbehavior and manipulates her that he loves her. I feel visiting a counselor can be a good step. Such relationships can break your confidence badly.
Thank you for coming by and commenting, Richa. You’re absolutely right, it hurts not only the person suffering from the abusive relationship, but also those around them. I actually also had a friend who was in this sort of relationship and she couldn’t get out because of her dependence on the man in her life. It’s so sad, but hopefully more people will realize how harmful it can be to stay in these kinds of relationships and get out of them as soon as they can.
Hi Felicia,
I found you while commenting on amazingbloggers. Your post title caught my attention and i landed up here.
I really want to thank you for this post. Its really very true and useful.
Thank you for stopping by, Amelia! I’m glad that you enjoyed my post and I’m happy that it’s been useful.
I have a family member involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s so difficult to watch, and we keep trying to get her out of it. She just won’t listen.
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That can be really difficult to handle. A lot of people don’t want to get out of the abusive relationship for one reason or another and it’s just so sad. All you can really do is be there for them and hope that they one day decide to get out of it.
I would tell her or him to talk to a counselor for abusive relationships & tell them to talk to friends bout it, as you’ve put it ” get it out” or “reach out” not keep it all bottled inside so yeah. Yeah, those are real good advices or tips on this topic, Felicia… But yeah, you’ve hit the nail with it, whats happenin or taken place between my mum & my dad… she shouldn’t be puttin up with it or etc… Also lean towards some homes for abusive relationships…. get outta it as soon as they possible could…
Those are some good suggestions. Thanks for putting them out there, Naiwen. There are a lot of homes and shelters people can go to if they need a place to stay while trying to get out of the situation.
Fantastic piece! I feel so strongly about this, as I used to work in a women’s and children’s reguge for families escaping domestic violence and homelessness.
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Thank you for the compliment, Sharon! I know that it can be really difficult working with those who have escaped or are trying to escape a domestic violence situation, but I really hope I get to work with that population in the future. I just want them to know that they aren’t alone, that they can get out of the situation and they can live successful lives.
I have known so many abused woman and it is so hard for them. Thanks for making someones life a little more important by writing this post
Thank you for stopping by, Haley and sharing! I’ve met women and even men in these sorts of situations and it’s so difficult to get out. Hopefully this post inspires them to take the steps toward a better, abuse-free life.
This is so important! Kudos to you for bringing it up!
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Thanks so much! It’s an important topic that I feel strongly about so I’m more than willing to discuss and bring up these tough topics.
How sad! What a terrible thing for anyone to go through alone, especially a teen or young person. I really appreciate how you bring out important social issues via your blog. I’m happy to award you the Sunshine Blogger Award. Visit my blog when you can to read the post. Thank you.
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Thank you for stopping by, S. Franklin and thank you for the award! I’ll have to check it out further when I have a bit more time on my hands. Yes, I completely agree with you that it’s a terrible position to be put in. I hope by bringing these issues up on my blog that I’m able to help someone in say way even if it just means letting them know that they’re not alone and there are people out there willing to help them.